[This parody (the "quotes" aren't real, m'kay?) was originally written 45 minutes after the announcement that the BBC’s reporter, Alan Johnston, had been abducted in Gaza in March of this year. It is a guest posting written by noted intellectual gadfly, J.M. Jabeau.]

The Catch & Release Gaza Two-Step

In the latest incident of kidnapping in the Palestinian territories, Alan Johnston of the BBC, was grabbed from his car in Gaza today. More than a dozen journalists, including two Fox News employees, Steve Centanni, a reporter and Olaf Wiig, a cameramen, had been abducted and then released, most within a few hours. Centanni and Wiig, however, were held nearly two weeks. It was revealed that the two were freed only after they took the Shahada oath, the first pillar of Islam uttered by the convert:

La ilaha illa Allah wa-Muhammad rasul Allah.
(There is no god but God and Muhammad is the prophet of God).

Nothing further than recitation of this oath in public commits the speaker to membership in the ummah, or community of the faithful.

The Fox Newsmen have been the only abductees to have taken this coerced profession of faith.

Now, political scientists at the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor, have published a study, in which they claim to be able to directly correlate the data from kidnappings of westerners to what they refer to as the “II” index. “II” stands for “Islamophobia Index.” Karen Sondergaard of the University’s Lippman Center for Political Research says that “Islamophobia is a well-researched politico-psychopathological condition that can easily be diagnosed through forensic research mainly focused on how many repulsive Jews the subject has come into contact with.”

Compiling data ranging from the subject’s sex, age, magazine subscriptions, previously written articles, favorite foods, the number of Noam Chomsky volumes lining their bookshelves and the volume of tears shed over the death of Yasir Arafat, researchers have determined a scientific method of determining how long an abductee will remain in captivity.

For example, Kate Burton, an aid worker and a graduate of the London School of Economics, works at the Al Mezan Centre for Human Rights in Gaza. Kidnapped along with her parents, Ms. Burton said, upon her release , “I could not say a bad word about her captors, who always asked ‘whether they needed anything.’ Ms. Burton and her parents were released 6.5 hours after their abduction, posing for the cameras in their kafiyyas.

“I directed my captors to the work I’ve been doing in Gaza for the past year and to the little Jewish doll that I always carry punctured with long pins.” Researchers assigned Ms. Burton an II index rating of 1.7.

Spanish photographer Emilio Morenatti of the Associated Press was similarly kidnapped in October of 2006 and released the same day. Morenatti said after his release, “I really thought I had bought it when they found out I photographed some Jewish kids during the Feast of Purim but later when my captors did a little research into the Associated Press, I could see them smiling and slapping each other on the backs, muttering something in broken English like “AP is good guys, you betcha”.

Today’s incident involving Alan Johnston brings a new twist to the catch & release game practiced by Palestinians: The discovery of an audio tape. Never before have we heard first hand the back and forth threats, pleadings and demands of hostage and captors. The Alan Johnston tapes are certain to become as famous as the Hindenburg footage or the Zapruder home movies.

Here are a few excerpts from the two hour recording:

Tariq: Ahmed, why we take this man?
Ahmed (evidently): Because he is valuable.
Tariq: Why valuable? How much money we get?
Ahmed: Not just money, stupid. He is valuable to show the world that we are merciful.
Tariq: What about the money?
Ahmed: He is Beeb. They are the richest news organization in the world. Have you seen today’s exchange rate for the Euro?
Tariq: I’ll have to call our accountant.
Ahmed: Never mind that. Take it from me, he’s money in the bank. And besides, The Beeb will do anything to prevent public opinion from casting an unfavorable light on us “militants”.
Tariq: Wait a minute. We are the soldiers of the Abdul Khader Sword of the Prophet Brigade, aren’t we?
Ahmed: Stop. Saeed and Fawzi used that name last week. We’ll have to come up with something new today. What about “The Army of Islam”? Wait – Has anyone already used that one?
Tariq: I got it, I got it, but If the Brits are so favorable to us, how do you expect them to believe that we’ll cut off his head if we don’t get what we want? (sounds of Johnston weeping in the background along with garbled cries of “How could you have grabbed me? We all love you at the BBC. Fuck the Jews, fuck the Jews”)
Ahmed: Hakim, shut that moron up.
Tariq: Hold on, shouldn’t we make him say the Shahada just to make it look good.
Ahmed: No way. What’s the point? Do you think he’ll report things straight if he doesn’t mumble the oath? He’s ours anyway. Look at him, he just pissed his pants. And when we let him go after we get the dough re mi, he’ll tell the world we were the best buddies he’s ever had. He will feel our pain.
Tariq: I think he should say it anyway.
(Johnston’s voice): “Let me say it, let me say it, PLEASE!)
Ahmed: Ok, ok. (towards Johnston) Hey you, Scotsman, repeat after me, “La ilaha illa Allah wa-Muhammad rasul Allah.”
Johnston: La la la la Allah bla bla
Tariq: What the hell was that?
Ahmed: Who cares, he said it didn’t he?

--

45 minutes 115 days after his kidnapping, Alan Johnston was released, unharmed, from a damp basement in Gaza City after Hamas routed, beat and threatened the Dagmoush clan, widely thought to have ordered the kidnapping.

Before his release, University of Michigan researchers assigned an II index rating of 9.5 to Alan Johnston, the worst score so far for any abductee. The research institute was quoted as saying they would have to seriously revise their indexing methods.

Post release notes:

Alan Johnston thanked his BBC colleagues, Hamas and the thousands Palestinians who demonstrated, signed petitions and supported him throughout his ordeal. He did not once refer to or thank Steve Centanni or Olaf Wiig of Fox News.

In spite of being physically roughed up, psychologically battered by continual death threats including being rigged with an explosive vest, Mr. Johnston never once used the word “torture”.

He concluded his brief interview following his release by stating that his sojourn among The Army of Islam would in no way affect his “perfectly objective” reporting.

Mr. Johnston was whisked away to Israel’s King David Hotel for a proper Zionist recovery.