Frequent commenter isirota1965 recently circulated this "2006 Year in Preview" report, and I thought it was long...but quite clever! You may enjoy it, too.

-Sol

2006 Year in Preview

January: NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, responding to criticism that officials are ruining the sport by calling so many penalties, concedes that one officiating crew “may”have gone too far when it penalized the Dallas Stars for two interference calls during the pre-game warmup. Anna Kournikova denies that she played on her beauty in order to draw fans, and claims that she was a “serious” tennis player. She then indicates that she will play a series of exhibition matches in the nude. Lineups form in cities around the world before the locations of the matches are even announced. Confirmation hearings begin for United States Supreme Court nominee Samuel Alito. The hearings get off to a rocky start when it Judge Alito is confronted with a paper he once wrote wherein he referred to anyone who eats an omelet as a “baby killer”. Southern Cal wins its second straight BCS National Title when it clobbers an overrated Texas squad 52-31. Trojans running back Reggie Bush denies that he is Superman, despite leaving the field midway through the second quarter to successfully perform CPR on a fan who was having a heart attack. However, he admits that on the night before the game, he did stay in a Holiday Inn Express. The Detroit Pistons run their record to an astonishing 34-4, but all is not positive for the Motor City, as city voters approve a special ballot initiative which bans the Detroit Lions and Tigers from playing in the city. A poll taken after the vote reveals that voters felt that “there were enough other negatives associated with the city as it is”. Roger Federer wins the Australian Open again, and becomes the first player in Open history to not even break out in a sweat during any of his matches.

February: The Indianapolis Colts win their first Super Bowl title since moving to Indianapolis, steamrolling a game but overmatched Carolina Panthers team 38-24. Regrettably, the post-game festivities are delayed when a group of Miami Hurricanes, dismayed at their team’s 40-3 thrashing by the LSU Tigers in the Peach Bowl, mug NFL Commissioner Paul Tagliabue when he tries to hand out the Super Bowl trophy. George Steinbrenner, having signed Johnny Damon, announces that he is done embarrassing the Red Sox. He then pays the City of Boston $175,000,000 to rename Fenway Park “Yankee Stadium North”. The ongoing investigation into the Joseph Wilson/Valerie Plame CIA leak drags on, despite the fact that it holds the interest of no one other than 30 or so talking heads on MSNBC and CNN. Brett Favre announces that he is retiring, not because he feels that he is done, but because he is sick and tired of people mispronouncing his last name. He then changes it to Krzyzewski. Joe Paterno, having silenced his critics with an 11-1 season and #2, year-end ranking, declares that he will return to coach the team through the ‘06 season. Controversy then ensues when it is revealed that Paterno actually meant the 3006 season.

March: The first salvo in the increasingly long primary season begins, as presumptive Democrat frontrunner Hillary Clinton announces that if she is elected, she will beat the crap out of the Bush daughters. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is interviewed on CBS’ 60 Minutes, and proclaims that he has not seen any “conclusive proof” that Jews ever existed. However, if they did exist, they were bad people. He also denies allegations that he is a Nazi, despite doing the entire interview in an old SS uniform, and referring to Jews as “untermenschen”. European governments are outraged at the comments, and France threatens to halt its shipments of bidets to Iran unless Ahmadinejad admits that his comments “were in poor taste”. The Philadelphia Eagles finally end their dysfunctional relationship with disgruntled wide receiver Terrell Owens by cutting him. He is immediately signed by the Denver Broncos, but is cut two weeks later after he refers to quarterback Jake Plummer as a “scatter-armed, scatter-brained homo”, though in a prepared statement issued after he is cut, Owens claims that he meant this in a good way. March Madness begins, and the usual slew of upsets occurs. Among the teams that fall is pre-season #1 Duke, which loses to unheralded DePaul 60-52. In a post-game conference, Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski denies that his team was too dependent on the outside shot, despite the fact that the Blue Devils only crossed the center court line twice during the whole game.

April: The NHL playoffs begin, and NHL officials claims to be happy with the coverage the league has received all season in the U.S. from OLN, despite the fact that games are being shown in black and white. The embarrassments continue for the league as, during one opening round playoff game, the Ottawa Senators begin a game short-handed when forward Jason Spezza is given a double minor for not standing at attention during the National Anthems. The still-unsigned Rafael Palmeiro shows up uninvited at the Baltimore Orioles home opener, despite looking even bulkier than King Kong. He then claims that the steroids for which he tested positive in 2005 came from the Dalai Lama. The New York Yankees go through April undefeated, with the Toronto Blue Jays a distant second in the American League East. Nonetheless, George Steinbrenner complains that several of the games have been closer than he would like. "Runaway Bride" Jennifer Wilbanks makes the news again when she flees her husband, John Mason, this time after the wedding. She turns up in Miami, where the family of Elian Gonzalez adopts her. Janet Reno is brought out of retirement for the sole purpose of extraditing Wilbanks to Cuba. Tiger Woods’ run for Jack Nicklaus’ record of 18 major title wins is temporarily derailed when he loses the Masters title to arch-rival Vijay Singh, who adds insult to injury by sneaking into Woods’ house that night and giving him a wedgie.

May: NASCAR driver Danica Patrick denies that her looks have anything to do with the attention paid to her, but then confirms that she has signed on to be one of Anna Kournikova’s opponents in her exhibition matches. The Federal Government is further embarrassed when tapes are made public on which listeners can hear former FEMA chief Michael Brown sputter “Well, let them eat cake!”, when asked how victims of Hurricane Katrina should feed themselves. Michael Jackson, having been acquitted of child molestation in Los Angeles, relocates to Dubai, changes his name to Abdullah, opens a private boy’s school, and issues a press release where he reveals that the school fight song will be a remake of his hit “Beat it”. Gas prices shoot back up over $3 a gallon. Coincidentally, Exxon/Mobil and Texaco both announce record profits, and Sunoco indicates that it will soon make an offer to buy Alaska. Despite the high price of gas, American continue to buy SUV’s in record numbers, and Hummer announces plans to build the new H4, which is bigger than the original Hummer, H2 and H3 combined. As an incentive to potential buyers, it will come with its own private gas station.

June: The Ottawa Senators, finally healthy after a season marred by injuries to their star players, win their first Stanley Cup since returning to the NHL for the 1993-94 season, defeating the Colorado Avalanche in seven games. Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin, in charge of yet another minority government in Canada, congratulates the winners and blames the Bush Administration for the fact that it took the Senators seven games to clinch the Cup. The Dallas Mavericks upset both the San Antonio Spurs and the Detroit Pistons on their way to the franchise’s first NBA title. Owner Mark Cuban, while denying that he spends too much on his team, pays $300,000,000 to have Dirk Nowitzki’s face chiseled onto Mount Rushmore. The French Open is won for the second straight year by Rafael Nadal, who outlasts Roger Federer in five sets after he hires a hit crew to break both of Federer’s legs before the match.

July: The momentum to impeach President Bush over the NSA domestic wiretapping and the pre-war Iraq Intelligence is abruptly ended when the media starts contemplating the concept of “President Richard Cheyney”. President Bush holds a press conference in which he exclaims that he is “thrillified” about the developments. Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson announce that they have reconciled, stunning a public which didn’t realize that they had separated in the first place. In their first meeting, the Chicago White Sox and the New York Yankees meet at Yankees Stadium and engage in a beanball war, causing the game to be suspended. Watching the game from the pressbox is NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman, who admits that NHL referees may have overstepped their authority when three of the ran onto the field and suspended Paul Konerko and Derek Jeter 10 games apiece. Boston Red Sox President John Henry denies that he regrets not re-signing Johnny Damon, despite the fact that Damon is hitting .380 with 15 home runs and 90 runs scored at the All-Star break. The New England Patriots indicate that they will hold a press conference at which they will announce the signing of Terrell Owens. However, the press conference is cancelled when Owens refers to Tom Brady as “an overrated honky” who was lucky to win three Super Bowls.

August: Eight months after he retired for the third time, former Eagles, Rams and Chiefs coach Dick Vermeil finally stops crying. In pre-season polls, the Ohio State Buckeyes are designated the #1 team. Buckeyes coach Jim Tressel, while denying that he runs an outlaw program, announces that Mike Tyson will be the team’s new strength and conditioning coach, and that 2002 Fiesta Bowl star Maurice Clarett would be placed in charge of academic compliance, once he gets out of jail. Despite the existence of videotape showing him sitting in a hot tub with deposed Iraqi President Saddam Hussein, UN Secretary General Kofi Annan angrily rebuffs claims that there were any improprieties in the Oil-for-Food program run by the U.N. When pressed on the issue, he threatens to call for a special General Assembly session to condemn Israel. The New York Yankees clinch the AL East and announce that in an effort to avoid injuries, all of their starters would not play again until the playoffs. To field a lineup, the team trades for Albert Pujols, Jeff Kent, Miguel Tejada, Troy Glaus, Manny Ramirez, Carlos Beltran, Vladimir Guerrero, Victor Martinez, Roy Oswalt, Cliff Lee, Mark Prior, Pedro Martinez, Brad Lidge and Trevor Hoffman. Yankees’ GM Brian Cashman denies that his team’s limitless financial resources have anything to do with these signings, despite the fact that New York’s payroll now exceeds the combined GDP of Great Britain and China.

September: The Miami Hurricanes’ descent continues as the team is upset 24-21 by the Duke Blue Devils in Durham, North Carolina. However, after the game the Miami players beat the crap out of everyone on the field as well as in the stands. Once order is restored, Coach Larry Coker is spotted gluing a “My football player beat up your honor student” bumper sticker to the team bus. Cindy Sheehan, still worked up about the fact that her 15 minutes of fame are over, holds a press conference in which she claims that she, not Mark Felt, was “Deep Throat”. NBC television executives, desperate to find the next hit “reality” tv show, come up with “Embarrass Paris”, wherein teams of players compete to see who can get the French government to surrender to them first. Regrettably, the show turns into a disaster for the network when the French government surrenders to all of the teams simultaneously. Bored with tormenting Brooke Shields, actor and self-styled pundit Tom Cruise turns his attention to Lance Armstrong and claims that real men turn to Scientology to cure their cancer. Cruise, however, is discredited when it is revealed that he bought wife Katie Holmes a new Barbie set for her birthday. In the NFL, the San Francisco 49ers get off to a flying start, as the team flies to Philadelphia for its season-opener. In Arizona, meanwhile, the Cardinals are sued by the State of Arizona, which is seeking a Court Order banning the Cardinals from linking themselves to the state. The Toronto Maple Leafs are stunned when Eric Lindros abuptly retires. In a press conference to discuss his decision, Lindros denies that the concussions he has experienced over his career have anything to do with his decision, but then indicates that he can't remember why he decided to retire.

October: The New York Yankees win their fifth World Series title since 1996, beating their farm team, the Columbus Clippers, in six games, after the National League representative, the Chicago Cubs, forfeits rather than face New York’s imposing lineup. Now that he has won a World Series title, Yankees’ third baseman Alex Rodriguez demands that the team renegotiate his contract, claiming as he does so that he is “grossly underpaid”. Domestic diva Martha Stewart writes a “tell all” book in which she claims that prison life wasn’t so bad, except for the really ugly clothes she had to wear and the “ugly shade of gray my cell was painted, when a nice shade of taupe would have gone so much better with my luggage”. Seeking to prove that their Super Bowl title the previous season was no fluke, the Indianapolis Colts race out to a 6-0 start, despite coach Tony Dungy’s refusal to play quarterback Peyton Manning more than one quarter per game, for fear of him suffering an injury. An aging Warren Sapp claims that he is still a great defensive player, and threatens to sit on anyone who disagrees with him. The Detroit Tigers finish the season with 117 losses and attempt to drop down to AAA.

November: CIA representatives sheepishly admit that they have not obtained much helpful intelligence from the Guantanamo Bay detainees, but proudly reveal that they have obtained “some kick-ass couscous recipes”. The Grand Jury investigation of talk-show host Rush Limbaugh , and his allegedly illegal procurement of the pain-killer Oxycontin finally concludes with an announcement by the Palm Beach County State Attorney’s office that Limbaugh will be charged with various misdemeanors. Limbaugh goes on the air and bitterly complains that the prosecution is politically-motivated, blaming it specifically on “The Clintons and anyone who has ever met them”. Following an official edict that referees are to stop calling so many penalties, the game lapses back into the clutch and grab mess that it was before the 2005-2006 season. New Jersey Devils fans (both of them) are thrilled, and the Devils reward those fans by becoming the first team in NHL history to be involved in 20 consecutive 1-0 games. League officials do however discourage the Devils from continuing to line the boards at the Continental Airlines Arena with stick-um. Kobe Bryant announces that his goal for the upcoming season is to take all of his team’s shots for the entire season. NBA-watchers note that this is not all that far off from what Bryant has done ever since Shaquille O’Neal was traded by the Lakers

December: More controversy erupts for the BCS when five teams, Ohio State, Southern California, Florida, West Virginia and Oklahoma finish the year unbeaten, and yet the BCS selects 10-1 Notre Dame and 10-1 Florida State to play for the national title. An investigation reveals that both Notre Dame and Florida State got extra points for the number of Chinese food restaurants within ten miles of their campus. The Philadelphia Eagles finish another season out of the playoffs, as Donovan McNabb fails to find his rhythm all year, ending it with 18 touchdowns and 20 interceptions. Somewhere, Terrell Owens is heard cackling. Baseball team owners, dismayed by the spiraling salaries which have led to a complete lack of balance in the sport, fire Commissioner Bud “See no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil” Selig and hire the one person they believe can rescue the sport.........former WorldCom CEO Bernard Ebbers. Plans by ABC to have Mariah Carey appear at Times Square for Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve are scuttled when it is discovered that the increasingly rotund Carey did not divorce ex-husband Tommy Mottola, she ate him.